Contrary to recent belief, God did not bless Texas

So, for the first time ever, I went outside of my house. If you understand how much I truly hate Texas, I think you'll understand why I don't go outside here. I think it's a combination of fear of

A: Being shot by some psycho after he cuts me off and slams on his brakes right before I flip him off
B: Being crushed by some seadonkey of a thing who thinks that EVERYTHING in Texass has to be fucking gigantic
C: Getting drunk and telling some cowboy that his tight jeans are most likely responsible for the small size of their genitals and the hysterical blindness of several people in the area, and then him going out to the truck and getting a gun off the rack in the back next to the cooler full of deer meat they scraped off the road, and drive-thru beer, and shooting me with it, and then the cops coming and arresting me for public intoxication and bleeding in a high-traffic area (which is apparently illegal if you're from out of state)
D: Catching the crappiness/brain damage that is apparently contagious here.


Anyway, my fears are apparently justified, and not just some delusional conjuration of my diseased brain, as I was dangerously close to experiencing all these things. Fortunately, I avoided being too drunk, getting shot, crushed, run off the road, and catching the crapitude prevalent in the area(although I think I may have contracted some sort of version of the latter while in a stuporous state in Korea)
I also heard the song "god blessed texas" and thought to myself...dead grass, highest incidence of alcohol related driving fatalaties, highest number of death penalties executed(by about 250)...yeah, god "blessed" texas just like he "chose" the Jews....no, I'm pretty sure god hates Texas just as much as I do

Noah was a midget by biblical standards

Okay, here's the deal: This week I'm talking about "intelligent design"( this is the part where if you were talking to me, you would see the sarcastic quotation marks I make with my fingers), and how Noah was not a good sampling of "human" stock during the great flood. Mainly, it's because of a little town called Glen Rose, here in the cloaca of the American federation.

Well, first, I should probably explain my position on the whole "intelligent design" idea. I call it an idea because it is just that. It's not a theory, not backed up by any experiments or facts, or really any research. Some guy just said, "hey, how about we say that a theory backed up by thousands of legitimate experiments and documented examples is fundamentally against everything that we believe within the constraints of our mythology. Then we can pose an idea that makes absolutely no sense to anyone who has read a book, and try to pass it off as science, wouldn't that be a good idea?" And a lot of religious nuts said "yeah, we should do that, because a proper education and being able to keep up in the international science community is the last thing we should be trying to do."
They started with creationism which went like this: God created everything exactly as it is right now. Since science proved that things were different five minutes ago, the creationism movement died out. Religious nuts the nation over felt that creationism was shot down, not because it didn't make sense, but because people didn't like the idea that "god" created everything, so they tried to revive creationism by calling it something else; "intelligent design" which was pretty much the same as creationism, except instead of god, it's now some non-denominational omnipotent creator that made things exactly as they are right now. I'm still pretty sure that things are more different now than they were when the creationists were around. The argument is that biology is too complex to have evolved at random in only "3000 years"...uh yeah, I'll give you that one, but you forgot the whole "earth is several billion years old" thing. And the whole thing about there being over 5000 years of documented (written) history in some cultures. And the artistic documentation that dates back up to 10,000 years ago I'll stop there, because I could go on for what this guy would say is six days, and still not be done. (I wouldn't try to read too much of this one though, I'm still not sure what that guy was trying to say)
Anyway...here's the real meat of the story:
There is a Creationism "museum" in Glen Rose. And the guy that runs it (a "doctor") says that humans and dinosaurs coexisted...peacefully...as giants. Yes...he found fossilized foot prints of people with sixteen inch long feet alongside those of dinosaurs. Read the above article, and you'll realize that, apparently, "doctors" that receive their "degree" from a correspondence school in Australia aren't taught how to differentiate between "something" and "something that looks like another thing". For example: when I was a kid, I used to make little baby footprints on steamy windows using the palm of my hand. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT MY HAND IS A FUCKING BABY FOOT. There's also a really good picture of a fossilized "finger" at the bottom of the article
Anyway, as I mentioned before, this so-called doctor also claims that everyone before the famous "Noah's flood" was a giant. This is based on the whole giant foot idea. Which makes me ask "why isn't everyone a giant now then? Or was Noah just freakishly small? And how did he get that way? Did god just hate him? or was he "intelligently designed" that way?
At any rate, I'm pretty sure that if "god" did exist, I think he would be pretty pissed at all the creationists for making him out to be an idiot that couldn't create something that could change in order to become better

not mine...but maybe like a donkey's

Here's the deviation from my standard fare. Normally I would tell you about other things and then mention how much texas sucks donkey balls, but as in any spinoff series, we focus on one of the minor characters of a larger series...in this case it's the stupidity I witness on a daily basis in the anus of our nation.
Here's the empirical evidence that allows me to say these things with impunity:
1. Geographically, Texas is located where the anus of America would be...as a point of reference, Florida would be the penis, and the northwest would be the misfigured humpback, while New England would be the freakishly long neck and ugly face, therefore, when I refer to the anus of America as texas, I am obviously only referring to the location of it vice any actual odiferous or physical resemblance that texas or its populace might bear to an anus or the things that might come out of one.
2. Everything I say here is actually based on facts...or statistics (see the link below), or surveys...or things that I have seen personally, anyway, there should be a point of reference for everything that appears here. For example, to the left is a documented example of texas' ball suckage.
3. The only people that will ever read this will be people that: A. also hate texas, B. are friends of mine(i.e. people not from texas)or C. are too stupid and/or illiterate to be able to understand this when read to them (i.e. people from texas; more than half the adult population is illiterate)
So those are the basic rules, but the basic gist is this: I've said it before and I'll say it again; God hates texas and so do I